
Coming back to one another following a blowup can be challenging. Sometimes you want to talk to your partner, but the tension of the argument still lingers. Instead of waiting for the tension to decrease over time, here are 10 ways to repair the relationship following the conflict.
Repair Attempts
What makes a repair attempt effective is (1) taking responsibility for your role in the conflict and (2) warmly addressing your partner. If you address your role in the conflict while also being defensive, you are likely to spark the conflict all over again. If you can take ownership in an approachable way, then your partner is more likely to accept the invitation to repair.
Here are 10 different ways to say sorry for your role in the conflict:
- I was wrong.
- My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry.
- I came into that conversation angry. I’d like to try that again.
- I think your point of view makes sense.
- How can I make things better?
- What you are saying is… (address your partner’s needs, worries, or your negative behaviors).
- I shouldn’t have said those mean things.
- I know this wasn’t all your fault. I played a big role here.
- I hope I can learn how to change (take responsibility for a behavior).
- I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
If words are challenging right now, a bonus tip is to say, “I don’t know what to say right now, but I know I want to spend time with you”.

A Poor Apology
An apology is not, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. There are two reasons this apology does not work. First, your partner’s feelings are not your responsibility. By apologizing for how they feel, you are taking responsibility for those feelings. Those feelings are not yours to manage. Second, an apology is being sorry for your actions and that statement misses the mark a bit. You may be implying that you are sorry for your behaviors, but implying isn’t a strong statement. To make it more powerful, take ownership without the implications.
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Effective Apology in Relationships: Transforming Conflict into Understanding
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