While we are all unique, there are still some major categories we can fall into when it comes to our fighting styles: you either challenge or escape the problem. These categories are not meant to label you, but to help understand your style. Depending on the styles of both you and your partner, we can move forward with some potential solutions. First, let us define the styles.
The Challenger:
· You hate to keep things bottled up
· You are not afraid of conflict
· You believe in being honest and telling it like it is
· You bring up the conversation with your partner
· You believe it can be healthy for a couple to fight
· If someone says something to make you mad you tend to let them know
The Escape Artist:
· You dislike conflict
· You are mindful to not bring up problems to disturb the peace
· You tend to keep your thoughts or feelings to yourself
· It is upsetting when things are not nice between you and your partner
· When your partner gets mad, you try to calm the situation or give them space
· If you do not bring up problems, then they can try to sort themselves out on their own
From here, we need to decide your relationship’s style:
· Both of you are challengers
· Both of you are escape artists
· One of you is a challenger and the other is an escape artist
When both of you are challengers:
This conflict combination may happen when you have huge fights that can get nasty or happen very quickly. That happens because when one of you gets mad, the other responds the same way. You are building on one another’s frustrations.
The first piece of advice is to not blame your partner. Of course, no one is perfect; however, it is a “we” problem. This mindset can make it easy to hit them right back when you’re confronted with an issue. If your partner brings the gasoline, focus on not bringing the matches. When you aren’t focused on winning the argument, you can move to the next step.
The good thing: you guys know how to bring up problems, but you also need a way to slow down the conversation. Work together to create a way to take a break when you are heated. Have a word that you both honor during this time that makes you both stop and take a break. Perhaps just say “Break time” or, “that blog post says we need to stop”.
You can check out my free handout on helping to understand your anger. This worksheet can help your challengers to help understand your frustrations. All in all, this conflict combination style can be beneficial to have a relationship full of honesty if you can just find a way to control your breaks.
When both of you are escape artists:
Mira Kirshenbaum uses an analogy that I enjoy: this is a duck/duck relationship. On the surface, the relationship looks calm and peaceful. When times are challenging, you may have long conversations that don’t quite get anywhere. This may be followed up with a lot of silence for these couples. When you look under the surface, those scrambling feet tell individual stories of stress. The problem here is that if problems aren’t addressed, then they can grow.
The good thing: you guys know how to be mindful about keeping the peace in the relationship. You do not want to fight, so your conversations can be intentional and attentive to your partner. Instead of focusing on how to take a break, focus on how to accelerate the conversation. Schedule some time where you can discuss your concerns on a weekly basis.
It should be valued and honored every week. During this weekly conversation, you should both be prepared with a topic you want to discuss with your partner. This topic should be something that made you upset or something you want to work on.
In addition to both of you bringing something up, you both have an obligation to respond honestly to your partner, have an open conversation, and try to come to some kind of agreement (and no, honestly does not mean harsh, so still pay attention to your communication style).
Try this format: I’m feeling ______________ about ________________.
Then discuss your need: I wish it could be more like ________________.
Ending with a potential solution: Why don’t we try _________________.
Allow your partner to follow up with any of the same points:
What are they feeling about it? What needs aren’t being met for them? Any other solutions they have to offer?
If you don’t allow your partner to discuss, they can’t share what about the solution they aren’t comfortable with, or be confused about the issue, or even agree to a solution they can’t uphold. It should be a good give and take.
When one is a challenger and one is an escape artist:
When you have opposite conflict styles, the challenger is often chasing the escape artist. Both can end up feeling exhausted, disappointed, and alone. When a conversation does happen the challenger is trying to get their point across while the escape artist may focus on how the challenger brings something up. The risk here is that you both get tired and end up not talking about your concerns. Instead of it being a chase, let’s work on a way for it to come together.
To make the most of this style, focus on the underlying needs of the conversation. Change the idea of what is “fair” in the conversation by addressing your partner’s concerns. Instead of blaming one another, split the difference. The challenger needs to be less confrontational and the escape artist needs to stay put.
So, you challengers out there: focus on how you start up the conversation to be calmer and inviting. The escape artists: focus on what the challenger is hoping for – they want to address the conflict as a way to be heard and better connect with you. If you’re struggling, ask your partner for help. After all, they are the expert in the other style so they can be your biggest resource!
- Bonus: check out the tips stated above that can be adapted to fit this style. You have a little bit of the other categories, so use that content as inspiration when creating a plan for your conflict management.
With any of these styles, you have a few things to tweak to make connecting during conflict more tangible. Remember the goal: to be acknowledged while still being comfortable. It might be rocky at first to learn these new techniques, so be mindful that your partner is trying to learn, too. Help each other out until you get the new skills down.
Embark on a journey with me to the heart of understanding your conflict style in my latest blog post, “Are You A Challenger Or An Escape Artist?”
This exploration delves into the fundamental dynamics of how we navigate disagreements and conflicts within our relationships. It’s not about categorizing or labeling ourselves but gaining insight into our natural tendencies when faced with confrontation.
In this blog, I uncover the delicate balance between facing challenges head-on and the strategic retreats for peace. Through personal anecdotes and research-backed strategies, I guide you through identifying whether you’re a challenger, who embraces conflicts as opportunities for growth, or an escape artist, who values harmony and peace over confrontation. Each post aims to provide you with tools and insights to understand your conflict style better and how it impacts your relationships.
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Your Perspectives Are Valuable:
Your thoughts and experiences are crucial. They enrich the dialogue around conflict styles and relationship dynamics. If you have insights on being a Challenger or an Escape Artist, stories about how understanding your conflict style has transformed your relationship, or reflections on the blog post “Are You A Challenger Or An Escape Artist?”, please share them. Your input is essential in crafting content that resonates and truly aids in our collective journey of relationship enrichment.
Explore more on my blog:
If you’re intrigued by the idea of mastering your conflict style and enhancing your relationship, I encourage you to regularly visit my blogs. I am committed to sharing new, thought-provoking content designed to assist you in navigating the nuances of your interactions, fostering a more understanding, resilient, and loving partnership. Join me in uncovering the subtleties of how we confront and avoid conflicts, and let’s transform our relationships into models of understanding and compassion.