We all have needs in our relationships. These needs provide security, love, and connection with our partner. If your needs are not being met, then it can lead to increased conflict and decreased intimacy. Instead of these conversations leading to conflict, my main tip is to communicate the opportunity! Here’s how…
Avoid Criticism or the Challenges
When I hear couples talk about their needs, it often sounds like this:
“You never take me out anymore. Even if we do go out to eat, you’re on your phone and we aren’t talking. How can you call that a date? You used to be so excited for our date nights and now you are bored and uninterested. I’d have more sex with you if we had more dates.”
This statement communicates a lot of disappointment and frustration to your partner. Depending on your conflict management skills, this kind of statement is often followed by defensiveness in the partner talking about their busy schedules or how they’re also not having fun on dates.
In summary, partners often hear: I need more from you and you’re not providing.
Communicate The Opportunity
Instead of talking about the problem, honor the need! This may sound like this:
“Do you remember that date when we were first engaged? It seemed like everything fell through but we still had a fun time laughing together! I was thinking about our dates and wanting to get some of that ease again. Would you like to go on a date with me this Saturday?”
Or some other examples:
- “I would love to go on a date”
- “I need a hug right now”
- “I’d like to focus on our intimate connection”
- “I’ve been feeling lonely, I think it’s time for a date night”
Within these examples, I want you to hear how the need is being communicated as an opportunity. Instead of saying “step up” within the need, you’re saying, “Here’s how…”. You’re painting a picture of what your partner can do to meet the need.
By focusing on the opportunity, you are also honoring your need for yourself. Your need isn’t necessarily about being on phones less often, but more about increasing the quality time you have with your partner.
I’m guessing your partner wants to meet your needs, just as you do for them! Instead of focusing on what isn’t going well, I want to encourage you to communicate the opportunity. When you do, your partner knows how to meet your needs and is more likely to do it!
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Remember, every conversation is a step towards strengthening your bond. I’m here to support and guide you in these moments. Let’s seize each day as an opportunity to grow closer and foster a more understanding and supportive partnership!