The holidays can come with stress; however, they can also come with opportunities. I hear excitement and challenges with managing expectations during the holidays. If communication tools are not effectively in place, many couples can have more arguments than connections when stress is high. Instead of getting stuck in the stress, here are some ideas to create new romantic rituals during the holiday season.
This Week At The Couples Workshop
When I met with a client this week, right away I knew something was upsetting them. When I asked, they informed me they had a stressful conversation about the holidays on the way to my office. They said, “We’re dreading the holidays because we end up feeling exhausted or worse when we’re not talking at all!” As it turns out, the most “wonderful time of year” can come at a cost to your relationship. If this is similar to your experience, then you’re not alone.
Instead of bickering or not talking when times are stressful, let’s implement stress relief and coping strategies to connect.
Common Issues For Couples Intimacy During Holidays
Extended family. Holiday commercials show families where everyone is gathered with smiles and excitement at a table full of the “perfect” meal. In reality, families are more complex. Even if you are happy and smiling with loved ones, everyone is still coming in with their challenges, too. When clients bring this up in therapy, if often sounds like unresolved (or unmanaged) conflict from the past. Naturally, this can then cause problems between family members and even between you and your partner.
Money. Whether it is budgeting for gifts, budgeting for the next year, or closing the books for year-end, several of my clients have discussed issues around money. The conversation between couples is about how to celebrate while not spending too little or too much. It’s hard for couples to find a middle ground that they both can agree to without sacrificing traditions or their budget. Partners often feel blamed for suggesting a budget or for wanting to make it feel special.
Time and Expectations. Another theme that tends to show up in therapy right now is time management and the pressure to meet a certain expectation. As I’m sure you know, this can lead to increased feelings of anxiety and exhaustion! I hear things like, “Why can’t she just say no” or “Do you need to stay at work”. Without removing things from your calendar, you are just adding more and more events – who wouldn’t be tired?
How To Increase Intimacy During Holidays
Storytelling. For this first idea, I’d like you to take a trip down memory lane. What memories come to mind with your partner around the holiday season? When did you meet their family for the first time? What was it like to be included in the first gift-giving exchange? What is your best memory – or your worst? Paint a picture of this memory for your loved one to join in your experience!
Staying in. Here in Fort Collins, Colorado, we’re having a mild winter so far, but it is just about to get colder! Many couples picture date nights out of the house; however, you can also have a meaningful, romantic date night. Consider having seasonal snacks and beverages, warm cozy/snuggly dates, or even a movie night. Regardless of the type of date, challenge yourself to increase your physical touch by holding hands or sharing a blanket during the date.
Sexy gift exchange. Think about a gift that should not be given in front of the family! This may include slipping one another a sexy note, buying a special gift, or lingerie, or dedicating time for an intimate massage. Not all gifts need to be given in front of others!
The gift of giving. What are your shared values? Consider volunteering together to remember your shared vision. If you haven’t done so already, this can be a great time of year to create your relationship’s mission statement.
Keep the norm. I hear couples having pressure to have the “perfect” date night so they spend a lot of energy trying to find something new. While a new adventure can be wonderful for relationships, keeping the norm is wonderful, too. If the go-to intimacy acts work, then keep doing it! No need to recreate the wheel – especially when you have a lot on your plate!
Prioritization
A couple I worked with recently talked about their separate businesses being their top priority – even though the businesses are established and thriving! While business takes your time and energy, your relationship does, too. Your partner needs your time. Your intimacy needs your time and energy. Regardless of what you’d like to do, it takes time. The biggest point here: it’s more about the quality of time than the quantity – especially when you’re busy. Use your time to your advantage!
My Challenge To You
Even though I’m mentioning the holidays as a time with increased stress, think about other instances with similar time demands and stresses. This may include the upcoming tax season, slow or busy times for your business, etc. How can you still maintain intimacy during these high-stress moments?
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