This common phrase tends to come up in sessions. A couple will share their perspective and follow it up with the “truth” being somewhere in the “middle”. In reality, that isn’t quite the truth either.
To best illustrate this point, I’d like to share an experience from a couple in therapy. For confidentiality, their names are Jack and Jill.
Jill’s Truth:
Jill’s had a busy week at work and even had some overtime – it was tax season! To show her appreciation for her hard work, Jill’s boss sent her home early, around 3 pm on Friday. After running some errands, she arrived home around 4:45 pm to find a beloved delivery on her front porch! She was so excited! She had made one of those amazing coffee table photo books of the family.
She had spent hours finding the right designs, and photos, and color-coordinating this book to be cherished by the family and their guests. After a delayed delivery, it finally arrived! She grabbed the package on the way in and shouted for her husband, Jack, to join her. She finally had this beautiful gift in her hands and she looked up to share it with Jack and to her amazement, he was on his phone. She was devastated and an argument followed.
Jack’s Truth:
Jack was stressed for many weeks. His business was in the process of being sold. He was diligently working around 60-70 hours a week in preparation for this transition. He wanted everything to go smoothly and had tremendous pressure on his shoulders. Unfortunately, the business had taken longer to sell than anticipated and their home was under renovation this week.
To help manage the first day of construction at the home, Jack wanted to work remotely. In addition, this could help him get some dedicated work in! To his frustration, he was waiting for an email all week containing critical information for the sell. After another hectic day, he was greeted by Jill early! Even though he still had work to do, it was a pleasant surprise for her to be home.
Upon her arrival, the important email arrived. All he needed to do was to forward this email and he could wrap it up. It was too close to 5 pm not to forward the email immediately. He hoped to check this one last thing off the list to have uninterrupted quality time with Jill. After sending the email, he looked up to find Jill staring back at home in disappointment.
The Truth is in the Middle?
Where would the truth be in “the middle” of their situation? I’m not sure about you, but it’s challenging for me to find that middle ground. Perhaps, we don’t need to find it. Perhaps, it doesn’t matter right away because our two truths matter more.
That doesn’t mean you want to argue your points to the point of exhaustion – quite the opposite. I hope you don’t argue at all. I hope you find a connection with your partner’s truths without it being compared to your truth.
Jill’s Truth: It makes sense that she would be sad or disappointed when she worked so hard to make a gift for the family. She rightfully felt what she felt. I wouldn’t want to take that truth away from her in finding a middle.
Jack’s Truth: It makes sense to want to check that one last thing off his list so he could have undistracted quality time with his family. Jack thought it would be a quick email without causing hardship. He made a mistake in that assessment. He rightfully felt apologetic and also overwhelmed. I wouldn’t want to take away his experience by finding a middle ground.
Side Note
Another phrase often said, “The truth is stranger than fiction”. I like to think this means that life can be more amazing and complex than any story that could ever be written. When thinking about the different perspectives between you and your partner, perhaps find inspiration in this phrase instead. This phrase better communicates the delicacies of your experience and how it is uniquely, and beautifully, different from your partner.
Takeaway: It’s not about the middle
If we focus on the middle, then we may be dismissing BOTH of our perspectives. Instead of focusing on finding some random “middle ground”, you can both have your truths explored and honored. By doing so, a connection can happen in conflict.
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