Does the fire inside of your chest burn too hot? Are you quick to get angry in disagreements with your partner? You aren’t alone. It’s aggravating when your partner isn’t getting what you are saying. Let’s talk about how to utilize your fire effectively instead of letting it burn out of control.
“When you’re mad, you want to be heard.”
The first point is an important point that should not be skipped. You have every right to be pissed off. You have every right to stick up for yourself and your needs. Instead, what I’m talking about here is a different point. If the person making you mad is a real relationship that you want to be more effective, let’s try to work on it. If you’re mad, then you’re mad. When you’re mad, you want to be heard. Let’s work to get you heard to increase the happiness in your relationship.
Understanding Anger
There are levels to emotions. In this conversation, we are going to talk about primary and secondary emotions. Your primary emotion is the true emotion you are feeling. It is the emotion that is at the core of the situation. The secondary emotion is the emotion that is displayed in our world. Sometimes anger is the secondary emotion we are experiencing and not the primary.
A primary emotion sparked the anger to protect you. A primary emotion might be rejection, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, etc. For some therapists and research, it is suggested that anger is never a primary emotion. That anger is always a secondary reaction to a different emotion. I’m not sure about my beliefs on that; however, to me, it doesn’t matter. You are experiencing anger regardless of another emotion being involved. What I do believe we can take from this is that something causes anger.
The Match
It is important to break down your anger so you can understand the cause. The cause of your anger can be best described using an analogy of a match. Look at the photo of the burning match. The fire is lit from the tip of the match. It is full of active ingredients that spark a fire in a snap. The fire is anger. The fire will continue to burn as long as it has something to feed the fire. The larger the match, the longer the fire will burn.
What is feeding your fire? Are you mad you weren’t heard? Are you mad because your partner did the “one thing” that drives you crazy? We need to find out “your match” to put out your fire.
Potential Solution For Anger Management
Remember: ANGER. This acronym can be used to help you better understand your anger. When we are angry, we might be yelling, short, or other negative behavior directed towards our partner. While this release may be helpful for what you are feeling, these behaviors do not help our partner to understand WHAT or WHY it happened. The real reason behind your anger is what needs to be addressed, not just talk about the fact that you are angry.
A – Acknowledge the anger.
- This should be before the explosion.
- Try to acknowledge the “I’m starting to get pissed”- type of thoughts.
- This is going to help you identify “your match”
N – Notice your body.
- Is your chest tight? Do you feel hot? Is your heart rate above 120?
- If your heart rate is above 120, this means you are flooded. When we are flooded, we are incapacitated from making sound decisions, not able to communicate effectively, and more. To find out more about being flooded check out this at-home tool.
G – Go.
- Go take a break. Increased emotions can increase our fight/flight/freeze response. Take a minute and leave the situation. Take at least 20 minutes before going back to talk to your partner.
E – Elaborate on the Experience.
- Once you have decreased your heart rate (20 mins+) reflect on what happened. What is your “match” that lights the fire and keeps it burning?
- Emotions. What other emotions are you feeling? What about the seconds before you were mad?
- Thoughts. If other emotions don’t make sense, what about your thoughts?
- Behavior. Was it a specific activity you were involved in? Was there something you or your partner did?
R – Respond.
- Get down to the real nitty gritty to understand the real emotions and underlying thoughts. Communicate this authentic experience to your partner.
- Don’t worry, you don’t have to focus on the anger. That’s the one thing they do know! Instead, help your partner understand the reason why you were angry.
*You can download this information in a handout here.
When the full ANGER acronym is too much…
If you find it challenging to feel the onset of the anger (letter A), then let’s break it down a bit. If this is the case, let’s start with the reflection part of the solution to start making progress.
Break down A-N-G-E-R.
The “G-E-R” may be a part of the solution before the “A-N” can be recognized. This isn’t a problem, just focus on what you can. The “A-N” can be challenging because you must be aware of your body before the fire ignites. If you find it to be challenging to start with “A”, start with “G” and leave the negative situation. Learn how to manage the “G-E-R” and move backward.
Did you already argue? Okay, let’s use the “E-R” part of the solution. After the fight has ended, try to reflect on the other aspects of what happened and still go back to relay this information to your partner.
Learn to utilize this tool at whatever level you can, and then work one step back. Get that “letter” down and move back one more again.
This tool can help you learn how to utilize that fire inside you to fire up a solution instead of increasing the barrier between you. Instead of your partner just knowing you are mad, help them to understand the real reason behind your anger. When your partner knows your match, they can work hard to eliminate or decrease it. You got this!
+Analogy used from the teachings of Dr. Fred J. Hanna, Ph.D. To me, Fred was an inspirational professor and a true asset to the field of therapy, adolescents, and anger. I’ll never forget his teachings.
Navigating Anger Management in Relationships
Embark on an insightful journey to navigate anger management within your relationships. This section is focused on enhancing communication, understanding, and harmony between partners. I’ll guide you through effective strategies for managing anger and fostering a nurturing, peaceful environment in your romantic connections. Stay ahead with the latest techniques essential for resolving conflicts and building stronger, more resilient bonds. Follow my social media channels for practical tips, inspiring stories, and innovative methods to rejuvenate your relationships. Discover the art of anger management and learn the secrets to maintaining harmony and understanding in love.
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