I met with one partner of a couple I am working with earlier this week. In that individual appointment he asked me, “is it normal for it to be this hard”? That is a challenging question to answer. Sometimes, couples are happier when they decide to separate or get a divorce. Other times, couples get through the tough times and come out stronger, healthier, and even more connected.
It’s Normal
To answer the question in short: yes, it’s normal for couples to face tough times. When stress is hanging out in the relationship – whether that is internal or external stress – it can impact how close you feel to your partner. When stress is high, we may be hoping for certain moments of connection or relief. If we do not get them as we expect, then it can unintentionally add to the “toughness” couples are facing. It turns into a pattern of disconnect and continued stress.
So yes, it happens to others couples, too! Other couples have times when they fight more often than they used to. Other couples experience moments of less intimacy. Other couples go months without a date. The takeaway here: it can be temporary and not permanent!
All couples experience temporary increased stress. Not all couples let that continue and strengthen into a new pattern.
Main Challenges
While there are many different reasons why you might be facing challenges, I felt inspired to discuss family life cycles in this post. Prior to the 1950’s, mental health was focused on an individual level – for the most part. In early psychology, some psychologists theorized about the impact of parents on their children’s mental and behavioral health; however, it was treated on an individual level.
In the 1950’s, family systems theory started to take shape and view the entire family as one moving machine, or system. In short, family systems theory believes the family to be one moving unit and that each individual can impact the entire unit and the unit can impact an individual.
If you are a visual person (me too), then picture a machine made with many cogs and pieces. The entire machine represents the family with each individual cog representing an individual family member. If one piece of the machine is broken, then it might impact some other pieces more than others, but the entire machine is likely impacted. This is, in short, family systems theory.
I bring this theory up because I think many families can feel the big tough times when you are going through different stages. Just like an individual has different developmental or social stages, a family does, too! When any of us experience a change, it can take some work to find that equilibrium again. That additional stress of changing in a life cycle (when you are already stressed with life, work, kids…), can increase stress and conflict between you and your partner.
Some examples of changing in a family life cycle may include:
- Independence – exploring yourself prior to and during coupling. In the technical term, this is primarily focused on when you first leave the family home and to figure out how to care for yourself on your own. This includes starting your financial, emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing.
- Coupling and dating
- Moving in together
- Marriage or commitment ceremony
- Blended families
- Childbirth
- Having another child – each new addition
- Children starting school
- Adolescent children – There is a shift in your parent-child relationship to allow your child to become more independent. While some families report some relief in their child’s independence, there is also increased stress about boundaries, safety, etc.
- Starting a new job
- Extra-curricular activities
- Empty nest – when your children leave the home and the home is just for you and your partner.
- Being a parent with aging parents of your own
- This is also known as “the sandwich generation”. This occurs when adults are raising children and simultaneously caring for elderly parents.
- This is stressful on its own; however, the stress can intensify when this causes conflict between siblings on how to “best” care for your aging parents. If you are disagreeing with family members, then I have a book recommendation: They’re Your Parents, Too: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy written by Francine Russo
- Your own health, aging journeys
- Retirement
- End of life – grief clearly impacts a family. I see it cause conflict in a partnership when partners grieve differently from one another and there are different expectations and unmet needs.
As you can see, there are many different stages families go through. With each stage can come increased stress when we are trying to cope with these new changes.
How To Connect In The Tough Times
Again, it’s normal to go through tough times; however, you do need to actively make changes so you do not stay in the tough times. While it may feel challenging if you are in the muck right now, I also want to be honest with you. The longer you continue your pattern, the more challenging it can feel to make a change. At the same time, a change today – one little change – is all it takes to start a new pattern.
Your new pattern can start today if you are intentional to make the change. You will have to make a decision that the relationship is worth it. If you think it’s worth it, then let’s roll up our sleeves and get to work. Here are little things you can do to change the pattern.
Accountability
You need to own some piece of the conflict. If you have a goal of reconnecting and just blame your partner the whole time, they are likely going to respond by being defensive. Instead, if you can take accountability for at least some of the conflict, then you are already opening the door for more connection. Why? Because you are saying, “We both messed up and we can both fix this”. Accountability can be powerful for this reason!
There is the “we” stuff that impacts a relationship, but there is also the “me” stuff. Decide if you are willing to do some personal inventory on the internal work that you need to tackle. Do you need acknowledge your pattern of being quick to anger since childhood? Can you find something you appreciate about your partner and let them know? You may need to forgive or accept some things you cannot change about your partner to open up your mindset. There may be work that you do (possibly in your own personal therapy) that allows you to hold your partner in a positive perspective again.
Let Loose
When was the last time you had fun together? I mean, really have fun? Happy, healthy relationships need that dedicated time, too. Shared positive experiences lead to shared positive emotions. If you have quality time together, then you are likely to move away from that “business partner” or “roommate” feeling.
The same is true about your sexual relationship. When was the last time you had sex that wasn’t just checking off the “sex box” on your to-do list? Sexual connection and intimacy are ways to create fun times together because you are increasing your vulnerability. If you want to add some positivity to your relationship, then start increasing affection, physical touch, and shared vulnerability – and letting loose in the bedroom can help tackle many of these goals!
Change The Lens
Relationships can be hard work when you are busy because relationships need to be tended to. There is no denying it. Again, it’s normal to feel those rough patches from time to time. Sometimes, the rough patches happen when the relationship does not feel like a priority to at least one partner. This does not mean that one partner does not care about the relationship, but it likely happens when you get busy with your other responsibilities. Instead of this being a negative thing, change the lens to see this as an opportunity to reconnect!
Your relationship has likely had some really amazing times when you felt loved, connected, and respected. If you never experienced those times, it’s unlikely you would still be in the relationship. Instead, you likely fell into what is referred to as negative sentiment override. This phenomenon happens when you are hyper-focused on your problems which makes it challenging to remember the good times. This override can keep you stuck in a pattern of negative emotions influencing negative responses.
Instead of thinking of this as a bad thing, think about the relationship as another responsibility to prioritize – just like with work. You can get the relationship back on track by helping your partner feel prioritized. Don’t get stuck focusing on the problem. Focus on the relationship!
Discuss Needs & Desires
When you’ve been with your partner for a significant amount of time, you start to decrease communication about your needs. Why? Because we assume they should just know what we want since we know each other so well.
While this point in the relationship is a strength, it also comes at a cost: we talk less often about our needs. The more you talk about your needs and desires (in a positive way), the more likely it is for your needs to be fulfilled.
If your conversations about needs tend to turn into an argument then there are likely some feelings of criticism. If you are trying to change the way you talk about your needs and it continues to be ineffective, then it is likely a good time to ask for additional support or to explore couples therapy.
Final Thoughts
This tough time in your relationship can be temporary. To make this a temporary rough patch, you and your partner need different behaviors, conversations, and/or mindsets to help you get back to the good times! There is no guilt or shame involved with hitting a rough patch because it’s normal to happen. Just think of this time as an opportunity to reconnect!
If you need help getting back on track, then check out my other blog posts! If you want individualized help, then give me a call here at The Couples Workshop in Fort Collins to set up a consultation at (970)829-9541.
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