When couples talk about the easier days of their relationship, they mention things not impacting them so much or having less worries. Things are different now. You have more stress on your plate and less time to manage that stress. It might be challenging to do so, but think about how communication could be easier today – what would that look like? For most couples, “easier” would be talking about stressful topics without an escalation between them. My hope in this post is to make your conversations easier and without leading to conflict.
It won’t be easy to make things easier, because you have a past. The past likes to hang out in our thoughts to remind us and protect us from future conflict. To start the process, the past needs to stay in the past. While this does not have to last forever, to learn this tool, start with talking about easier things and staying in the moment.
Don’t jump into talking about something that is higher than a 5 or 6 out of 10 on your stress scale. Instead, start talking about semi-stressful things that are closer to a 2 or 3 out of 10 on your stress scale. This can help you stay more in the moment, learn this technique, and then go from there!
Making things easier for yourself often involves simplifying your tasks, managing your time effectively, and taking care of your well-being. Here are some tips for an E.A.S.Y. conversation
E.A.S.Y.
E: Explain without escalation
A: Ask for help
S: Start small
Y: “Yes”
E: Explain without escalation
- Set boundaries: Start practicing to say “no” and avoid overcommitting yourself. If you are already a little stressed, then the conversation is likely to feel some of that stress – especially when starting conversations after avoiding them for so long. Setting boundaries in your social, professional, and home life can start to ease some of your burden.
- Be open: Regularly talk about your feelings, needs, and expectations. Be honest with your partner, but communicate without blaming or criticism. This does not mean you cannot communicate feelings of anger. Instead of assigning blame for that anger, just honor your anger from your perspective.
- Practice self-care: My ultimate goal for couples is to have a baseline level of self-care activities to help them manage their average level of stress. Once that is in place, couples also need self care activities that help when they are in higher stress situations. Consider the necessary items of self care (i.e. taking your medications, drinking water, eating meals) as well as the desired items (i.e. relaxing downtime, traveling, spa days, golfing).
A: Ask for help
- Delegate when possible: Start to ask for help more often by delegating tasks that others can handle. Delegation examples might include cooking responsibilities to a nanny or au pair, asking your partner to pick up groceries on their way home, your children having more chores around the house, or hiring cleaning professionals.
- Resolve Conflicts Early: Address issues as they arise rather than letting them build up. Approach conflicts with a solution-oriented mindset. This is much easier to do when things have not been left to fester.
- Seek Professional Help: Couples wait an average of 6 years before seeking help. Don’t hesitate to reach out for couples therapy if you’re facing persistent challenges.
S: Start Small
- Breaking it down: When couples want to talk about a problem, they talk about the big picture issues like “I don’t have time for myself”, or “the house is a mess”, etc. Instead, start by breaking things down into smaller, manageable pieces.
- Take breaks: Regular breaks can boost your productivity and reduce stress. You can even try the Pomodoro Technique for timed intervals. If things get heated, then a break is a must. A break should be at least 20 minutes and last no more than 24 hours. And when you take a break, don’t replay the conversation in your mind!
Y: “Yes”!
- Quality time: Start saying “yes” more often to your partner because you need that quality time, too! Couples experience so much pressure when they need to talk about things, so you also need ways to alleviate that pressure. Start having more quality time and it can actually decrease the amount of stress and/or conflict you are experiencing!
- Practice forgiveness: Let go of minor grievances and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
- Explore your goals: When couples are experiencing high conflict, they tend to get stuck thinking about the past and present. Instead, start exploring what you want things to look like in the future. If you keep telling your partner what is wrong, that doesn’t mean they automatically know what is right. If you tell your partner what you want, then they know what behaviors match your desires!
If you’re experiencing high levels of stress and are unable to effectively talk about it with your partner, then remember to make it E.A.S.Y. with these 4 steps:
(1) explain without escalation, (2) ask for help, (3) start small, and (4) say yes! With these four steps, you are able to keep your needs as a priority by advocating for yourself, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care while also communicating with your partner by being open, starting small, and exploring your goals.
Keep it easy! You can do it!
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