The Happiness Formula
Why It Works.
Research On Friendship & Intimacy
Many research articles discuss the importance of a stable, healthy friendship is critical for our well-being and longevity. This is true with your relationship as well as with friends in general. Here are some specific articles that stand out.
Emotional and Physical Intimacy.
Friendship in relationships leads to increased emotional and physical intimacy because the friendship provides a safe foundation. Without friendship, married couples can worry about feeling judged or insecure – which contradicts the very nature of intimacy. To increase intimacy, with friendship as the inspiration, consider: (1) spending quality time together, (2) share/talk about your everyday experiences, (3) being honest, open, and loyal, (4) finding common interests, (5) set and work towards a shared goal, and (6) make your partner feel like a priority.
Lately, I’m seeing that last point more often in couples: one or both partners do not like a priority! To accomplish this goal, try these suggestions: (1) cheer on your partner’s goals, (2) celebrate your partner’s successes, (3) lean on one another in times of stress, (4) communicate your appreciation for the work they provide, (5) and give one another grace, instead of holding grudges, during challenges. If you want to work on your friendship at home – don’t skip this step!
Love ratio.
When there is not enough positivity, friendship, or excitement in the relationship, partners can feel unappreciated, or that you are uninterested – even if that is not the case! Research tells us that there is a “love ratio”.
When the ratio is met, couples tend to report feeling happy and excited about the relationship. When the ratio is not met, couples tend to report feeling ignored, stressed, or unappreciated in the relationship. This ratio is: 20 positive interactions for any, one negative interaction.
When I tell this ratio to couples, they think it is unrealistic; however, this can be accomplished when the right tools are in place. The brain is wired to notice and respond to the negative – it’s a survival mechanism. That can mean that any negative interaction will stick out in your mind. It will take 20 positive interactions to counteract this automatic mechanism. If you are missing passion, then you may not be hitting the 20:1 ratio. This ratio is felt by many happy couples and can be experienced by you, too!
“Honeymoon Phase”.
“We used to be intimate all the time. I don’t know what happened”. I hear this often. While the high levels of passion in the “honeymoon phase” may decrease over time, that usually is not the main reason why intimacy has decreased. Instead, research tells us that when couples feel loved, appreciated, and admired they also report higher levels of passion and sex in the relationship.
Overall, if you want more intimacy in the relationship, consider targeting the friendship. Intimacy does not just happen by chance, instead, we need to be intentional about strengthening it throughout the relationship. This is why friendship is critical to the happiness formula at The Couples Workshop.
Research On Conflict Management
How we manage conflict is more than the current moment. It also impacts how safe and secure the relationship feels. If it feels chaotic, then questions about trust can emerge. Trust is more than being faithful, but is also about believing that your partner has your best interests at heart.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
The four horsemen are the top four communication styles that cause harm to your relationship. While your intent may be to communicate a need or to keep the peace; unfortunately, the outcome does not meet that same goal.
1. Being critical of your partner: “You don’t help out around here” or “Why can’t you be more thoughtful”.
2. Being on the defense: “You know I have a million things to do” or “I said I’d do it”.
3. Being mean-spirited: “It’s like I’m talking to a child”, or “How can you be so ignorant”.
4. Checking out: Looking away or not responding when your partner is talking.
When managed ineffectively, these patterns can lead to experiences of disconnect, isolation, and lack of trust. This is why these horsemen are quickly addressed at The Couples Workshop.
Repairing.
In over 50 years of research, Dr. John Gottman discovered the #1 solution to relationship problems is to be effective at repairing! While we want to decrease how often you experience conflict, even happy couples have disagreements. Instead of hanging out in resentment, repair attempts allow you to get back on track after a fight! A repair attempt’s purpose is to diffuse negativity or to keep an argument from escalating. Learning how to repair when things do not go smoothly is equally as important as learning communication skills. Repair attempts may include:
1. “I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?”
2. “I’m getting worried.”
3. Taking a break.
4. “I blew that one. Let me try again.”
5. “Let me start again in a softer way.”
6. “Would you like to go on a walk with me?”
7. Initiating a physical embrace such as a hug or holding hands.
8. “Let’s find our common ground here.”
9. “I understand your perspective.”
10. “I love you.”
Effective Communication.
In over 50 years of research, Dr. John Gottman discovered the #1 solution to relationship problems is to be effective at repairing! While we want to decrease how often you experience conflict, even happy couples have disagreements. Instead of hanging out in resentment, repair attempts allow you to get back on track after a fight! A repair attempt’s purpose is to diffuse negativity or to keep an argument from escalating. Learning how to repair when things do not go smoothly is equally as important as learning communication skills.
Lately, I have been seeing these patterns of ineffective communication:
1. “You change”. Pointing out your partner’s shortcomings does not encourage change, only defensiveness.
2. Using anger or punishments. When things aren’t changing, people yell louder or punish their partners to try to inspire change.
3. Flee vs pursue. One person does not want to talk and the other does – which turns into a lose-lose pattern of cat and mouse.
Conflict management is not just about solving the right now, but also helps establish security in your partnership. This is why it is important to manage conflict effectively because you have confidence in the relationship that you can handle whatever life throws your way.
Research On Shared Meaning
Effective Communication.
In over 50 years of research, Dr. John Gottman discovered the #1 solution to relationship problems is to be effective at repairing! While we want to decrease how often you experience conflict, even happy couples have disagreements. Instead of hanging out in resentment, repair attempts allow you to get back on track after a fight! A repair attempt’s purpose is to diffuse negativity or to keep an argument from escalating. Learning how to repair when things do not go smoothly is equally as important as learning communication skills.
Lately, I have been seeing these patterns of ineffective communication:
1. “You change”. Pointing out your partner’s shortcomings does not encourage change, only defensiveness.
2. Using anger or punishments. When things aren’t changing, people yell louder or punish their partners to try to inspire change.
3. Flee vs pursue. One person does not want to talk and the other does – which turns into a lose-lose pattern of cat and mouse.
Conflict management is not just about solving the right now, but also helps establish security in your partnership. This is why it is important to manage conflict effectively because you have confidence in the relationship that you can handle whatever life throws your way.
To Read More About This Research…
Book links lead to Amazon for ease of purchase for most people; however, please also consider supporting your local bookstore! If they do not have a book in stock, most local bookstores can order specific books for you.
Carse, James. Finite and Infinite Games. Book.
Gottman, John. The Science of Trust. Book.
Gottman, John, and Julie. Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Book.
Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight. Book.
Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight Workbook. Book.
The Gottman Institute. Research on their website. Link.
Wile, Daniel. After The Fight. Book.