So your wife is making you feel worthless. Your partner is distant and gives you the unnecessary cold shoulder. The only time you are talking is fighting, so you just avoid talking altogether. Sound too familiar? Marriage fights are common so let’s work on it.
Types of Problems. This is part 2 of this series. Part 1 discussed forever fights, which account for the majority of the problems you will encounter in your relationship. In case you missed the first part, you can check it out here.
The biggest takeaway from both articles – even happy couples have problems; they just know how to work around them and still have success in their relationship.
Solvable Problems. Even if you can solve the problem, it still hurts. That being said, they are solvable, so let’s try to resolve them to decrease this pain. First and foremost, even if the problem isn’t perpetual, you still may have the same argument continuously because you don’t possess the tools needed to solve it. One way to differentiate if the problem is perpetual or solvable is to try the tools below to see if they are beneficial.
How to Find the Solution. When I’m talking about finding the solution, I’m talking about how to help you find the solution. This looks different in therapy because I know the problem you want to discuss. Instead of the actual solution, I can help you utilize some communication tools so that you guys can find the solution.
“Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.” –Dr. John Gottman
The Key to Find the Solution = Effective Communication. I’m not just telling you to sit down and talk it out, in fact, sometimes I recommend breaks when you’re irritated (but we’ll get there). Talking can cause more hurt if it is not done effectively. The whole goal of a disagreement is to say what you want and be heard. Let’s make that happen.
The Tools
Look at your start-up. Do you or your partner bring up the conversation comin’ in hot? Yikes. No wonder the other partner is on the defense. You just pulled up in your Lambo revving the engine at a stop light, so of course they want to get fired up, too. Let’s soften the start-up and make it a conversation your partner will want to have. A solid start-up will result in your partner not being on the defense or being distant, but more likely to be engaged in the conversation.
- The conversation should be free of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, ignoring, or sarcasm.
- When talking you should inform your partner that you have some responsibility in taking care of the issue, too. “My part of this problem is…” as well as “I see your point”.
- Let them into your world a bit. Let them know how you feel or your thoughts on the issue.
- Be specific about your needs – without being accusatory. So to combine the last two points, you are not saying, “You don’t help me with the dishes and I am overwhelmed”.
- State your need – a positive need, not what you don’t need. “I could use some help on the dishes when I am behind on getting them done”.
It’s hard to change the oil when the engine is hot. Women handle emotionally driven situations differently than men. They can calm down after a disagreement faster than men – this is why women are more likely to bring up an issue and be the ones to push to solve it. Men are far more likely to experience what we call flooding in emotionally-driven stressful instances – heart rate increases to 100+ bpm and you can’t actively be a part of the conversation no matter how much effort is forced.
To decrease the likelihood of flooding, give men a heads up on what you want to talk about – don’t make them guess what made you upset. And if either of you are upset, take a few minutes (or even a day) to collect your thoughts.
- In addition, you can learn ways to calm down in these situations. First, this process takes at least 20 minutes, so don’t rush it. Remember it is harder for a man’s body to truly calm down after a disagreement than a woman’s body. Know how you can self-soothe. Don’t try to have a manageable conversation when you’re on edge. You want to talk about it, right? Do not fight about it…
The goal isn’t to win, the goal is to be happy.
Find Happiness. What can you be flexible on to find happiness with your partner? The goal isn’t to win, it’s to be happy. A solid way to find a middle ground is for both partners to rank the importance of the issue from 1-10. You might rank the issue at an 8 and your partner a 3. This means you get the floor a little bit more than your partner.
You aren’t “winning”, they are just making sure this important issue is being heard (i.e. providing even a pea size amount of support to try to increase your happiness).
- On the other side, if the issue is only a 3 for you, then think about coming in less hot in the fight. Why bother giving it everything you’ve got if it is just a 3? Lastly, don’t just say everything is a 10 so you can be heard and get your way. Your goal is to be happy in this relationship, so an honest assessment is important.
Repair attempts. When you are taking driving lessons, the first thing you should be taught is how to stop the car. Same thing here. If something is out of whack in the conversation, then pump on the breaks. Remember, the goal is to find happiness, not to fight the battle to the death. A repair attempt is anything that deescalates the conversation.
If your partner is on the defense when you bring up a topic, remember you want to talk about it. Agree with their counterpoint about how busy they are or how much they try to keep up with it. Clear the negativity out and start again.
- Also, humor can be an awesome tool for this! “Man I haven’t seen this many dishes since college” (that’s my attempt at dish humor – is it funny?)
Repair attempts – the other side. Your partner is attempting to repair the conversation, so give them a fair shot to try again. Like that “joke” up there – it may not be funny, but give me a chance. This is their attempt to have a conversation that doesn’t result in a fight. This is your partner showing you they want to make it work. Let them have that little victory, even if it is not perfect, so they can try again.
Effective communication through easy start-ups, taking your responsibility for the issue, being honest, and knowing when to start over or stop the conversation will help you reach the goal of decreasing fights and increasing happiness. Your partner is worth it, so work hard to figure this out. You got it.
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