Overall, would you say that your love life is romantic and passionate? Or is it becoming passionless and your fire is going out?
In his book, Successful Marriage, Robert Beavers discusses a solid way to define intimacy.
“The pursuit of emotional health and personal enjoyment by couples involves intimacy – the joy of being known and accepted by another who is loved. …
Only when two people approach each other with the assumption of equality can they hope to know and be known by each other”.
Being known and accepted by your partner is a critical piece of sex, romance and passion in your relationship. This can also be a challenge depending on your circumstances. Let’s break down some potential solutions for you guys to try out.
Gender Differences. Men and women typically view romance and passion differently. Women tend to view intimacy as sharing personal feelings through conversations while men tend to prefer these connections through actual activities. Men do not use conversations for bids of closeness compared to women. If you are in a heterosexual relationship, the typical gender norms of our society can make an impact on your relationship.
Know that men often provide solutions to problems as a way to be a provider, not that they are saying, “Just figure out a solution”. They are the do-ers. And men, know that if you are looking for activities to connect with a woman, they are probably going to want to talk about it. Either way – this is your partner’s way of trying to connect with you – even if it isn’t what you prefer. That means something. They want to feel connected! Remember: real connection and acceptance = ↑ intimacy.
- Gender norms vary from person to person – of course. At the same time, these social norms are important to consider. Even if you like to jump out of the “gender norm” box, it is important to know that these norms still impact our lives, because our surroundings tell us, “This is how you are supposed to be”. Do I think you have to fit into this box? No – I think they still impact us because it impacts the world we live in today.
Increasing Romance.
Own it. Take responsibility for your satisfaction. When two people in a relationship are extremely tied to one another, they often fail to take responsibility for themselves. They rely on their partner to take care of their needs. Truly take time to understand and define your needs to properly communicate them to your partner.
Courting. When was the last time you complimented your partner on how good they looked? When was the last time you planned a real date? Now I’m not saying this has to be a fancy night out, but planned. Think about when you first met. Think about how much effort you put into your first few dates. How long did it take you to choose where you would take them? How long did it take you to choose what you would wear? How nervous and excited were you to be with such an awesome person?
Well, guess what – that awesome person chose you, too – right on! What it took to get your partner can be a little refreshing from time to time. Plan something nice for them, even if it is a badass homecooked meal served with their favorite wine and candlelight. Let them know how sexy they look in their date night attire. You might even want to do something spontaneous – either way, I’m talking about the effort here. You still need to date your partner. Let them know you love them and know how amazing they are.
Expectations. The point above goes both ways – you want to feel special and at the same time you aren’t that carefree, younger version of yourself anymore (at least not fully). You have work, errands, children, family, personal time, and downtime to balance with your relationship. One benefit of finding your partner is the ability to just chill and hang out together, right? Yes, you guys still need to date and flirt with one another, but this is a fine balance. Reflect on your expectations.
Did you meet in college where your only responsibilities were studying and some random part-time job? Look at the difference in your life now. This isn’t a way to get out of going on dates, but you guys need to work together to find a balance that works for your real life.
· Also, this will continue to change over time. You will work hard now to find a solid balance, but life is fluid. How will this balance change as your children get older? How will this balance change when you are retired? Remember to keep an eye on your relationship so you can continue to be successful as life comes your way!
Let’s talk about sex, baby. A combo point here. For some couples, talking about romance, sex, or passion is not romantic. You might be thinking, “I don’t want to logically think about taking responsibility” or “Why would I want to sit down to talk about being romantic.” That’s completely understandable, and at the same time, you must talk about the need to move on. If you want your partner to plan more romantic date nights, they need to know! We’d all like to think our partners are mind-readers, but they aren’t.
Life happens to them, too, so let’s help them out by letting them know our desires. Set the space for a conversation on your needs so when you guys are in a more romantic environment, it won’t necessarily come up as much. It might at first, but change takes learning and adapting. Help your partner learn your needs, so they can get it just right.
Increasing Passion
This starts outside the bedroom. This starts with everyday activities and mindsets. Look for opportunities to show appreciation or affirmation for your partner – even just internally. What do you appreciate about your partner? What do they do to make you feel special? Then the opposite. What do you think your partner needs most from you now? Find out what you can do to show you love them. When in doubt, check out the five love languages for ideas on making them feel special.
The Fiery Passion. People talk about the “fire” of their relationship. This is the passion. Do you fight for your relationship? Do you protect this relationship? To protect your relationship, reflect on what you let into your relationship and what you should keep out of it. This might be friends, family, children, work – anything that takes you away from being a partner first.
Now, come on, I don’t mean you push your highly important responsibilities aside; that’s just not real life, but couples often put these other titles above being a partner, a husband, a wife, or a spouse. You aren’t just a mom. You aren’t just a professional. Prioritize this relationship and push to make it what you want it to be. Get fired up outside the bedroom, and it becomes easier to be fired up in the bedroom.
Sex
Sex, Romance and Passion are all different and yet still connected. If you want to have more sex, often increasing romance and passion can be a solid tool. If you go through these ideas and something feels off, reflect on the previous points.
If you want some more concrete ideas to try, you can always use Google or you can check out the Gottman salsa card deck. The card deck has 3 levels (mild, medium, and hot) that help make continued romance and sex a priority with your partner. Now don’t just jump to the hot deck because you are excited by them. Think about what level of the deck you are currently – and go one up from there.
Take the time and do it right. When in doubt, start in the mild section. There are many touching activities to increase connection and arousal – regardless of the spice level. If you don’t want to buy the salsa card deck, I used mine to get a miniature list for you.
Mild Salsa Cards. The “mild” spice level is for couples who would prefer romantic suggestions.
- Buy your partner your favorite perfume or cologne.
- Have a pillow fight.
- Give each other a foot massage.
- Go for a walk together and hold hands.
- Make it possible for your partner to take an afternoon or a day off to do whatever he or she wants or needs to do.
- Send your partner a love letter or poem.
- Turn off your phone for an evening and just talk to one another.
- Have a 6-second kiss.
- Take a bubble bath together.
Medium Salsa Cards. The “medium” spice level is for couples who are comfortable with sexual intimacy and want more ideas.
- Think of a sexy nickname for your partner.
- Try a new sexual position and talk about how you liked it.
- Take turns kissing or stroking each other’s backs.
- Describe your partner’s favorite body part.
- Buy some body oil and plan to give your partner a nice, long massage.
- Have a quickie.
- Make love early in the morning, while the children are still asleep.
- Undress each other slowly, then make love.
- Kiss passionately with one partner positioned up against the wall.
- Read erotica to your partner in bed.
- Develop a code word or words for wanting sex. One couple referred to sex as “dessert” – so kids and other family members thought they had a real sweet tooth when they kissed each other and said, “We can’t wait to dessert!”
Hot Salsa Cards. The “hot” spice level is for couples who want to explore more sexual fantasies.
- Make bets. The winner gets exactly what they want from their partner.
- Act out a fantasy of your choice. Dress the parts. Examples: Two strangers on an airplane.Boss and employee. Professor and student. Massage parlor worker and customer.
- Play a game of strip poker.
- Have oral sex on the kitchen countertop.
- Help your partner masturbate to orgasm while you watch.
- Schedule a session of phone sex with your partner the next time one of you is out of town.
- Try to get your partner to have multiple orgasms.
- Go out on a date and have sex in the backseat of your car (like the good old days!)
- Put a plastic sheet on the bed with body oil and enjoy making slippery love.
- Have fun with various flavors/scents of lubricant – there are some fun ones out there!
If you would like to purchase the full set of the salsa card deck, it can be purchased from the Gottman Institute here.
Don’t forget to continue to nurture your relationship with one another. It took effort to get here, and it takes effort to maintain it. Have fun together and discuss your needs.
What did I miss? Let me know your thoughts on increasing sex, romance, and passion in your relationship.
“Igniting Romance and Passion” in Relationships: A Journey to Deeper Connection
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