All marriage fights are broken down into two categories: (1) they can be resolved, or (2) they are perpetual and will be your “forever fights”. I mean think about it, could there be a third category? You either learn how to fight effectively on the “forever fights” or you find a place of compromise.
Let’s talk about the “forever fights” first because I would like to clear something up before we move forward
“Forever Fights”. Dan Wile is quoted as saying, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”
I believe you do not have to resolve all of your major marital conflicts for your relationship to thrive!
All marriage fights are broken down into two categories: (1) they can be resolved, or (2) they are perpetual and will be your “forever fights”. I mean think about it, could there be a third category? You either learn how to fight effectively on the “forever fights” or you find a place of compromise. Let’s talk about the “forever fights” first because I would like to clear something up before we move forward
“Forever Fights”. Dan Wile is quoted as saying, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”
I believe you do not have to resolve all of your major marital conflicts for your relationship to thrive!
When I talk to clients about “forever fights” I often give them a personal example of fighting. In the wintertime, I love having the heat on high in the car; more specifically, I like the heat to be on my feet. My husband can’t stand the heat on high as he gets way too hot before I can even warm up – especially on his feet. He often tells me “Who would ever want sweaty feet?” This is one of our “forever fights”. Yes, it’s a bit of a funny example; however, we will talk about temperature forever – how daunting.
The majority of marital conflicts fall into this category – according to Gottman’s research, perpetual fights are 69% of all arguments you will have. I know – 69%! BUT DON’T GET DISCOURAGED (just know you’re not alone).
The best marriage advice is, that happy couples have perpetual problems, too. Despite having differences, happy couples deal with these perpetual problems while remaining satisfied in their relationships. They just know how to deal with these problems so that they don’t become overwhelming. They’ve learned how to keep their place and have a solid sense of humor to cope with the differences.
When “Forever Fights” Kill Relationships.
Marriages are as successful as their ability to work around their “forever fights”. This is also the demise of unsuccessful relationships. “Forever fights” eventually take over to the point where you cannot cope and manage the differences. This happens when you are just spinning your wheels without making headway. The pain and hurt just continue to build. I am sure many of you are feeling this now which has brought you to this page.
Avoiding the problem or saying “Let’s agree to disagree” will not solve the problem. This will not allow you to move forward. This is not the solution to “forever fights”. Avoidance leads to disengagement – you’ll pull away from one another. What this turns into is you learning how to live without them. You are shutting them out, so it won’t hurt so bad. What a lonely place.
This is a road you may be going down, so let’s try to turn this car around. Just know, that talking about it and bringing the problem to light is important for a happy relationship. We just need to do so properly and effectively. This is a hard place to be, so props to you for reading this article. That’s hope, my man. That’s hope.
For heterosexual relationships: More than 80% of the time, the wife brings up the marital issue while the husband tries avoiding them – in happy marriages, too.
Making “Forever Fights” Manageable.
1. Acknowledge that some difficulties are inevitably going to be ongoing. Does this mean the problems are going to be enjoyable? No, of course not, but together you can learn to cope by avoiding certain situations that make the problem worse. This is a fine balance by addressing the problem in an effective way to prevent the problem from building up and overwhelming your relationship.
2. Develop strategies and routines that ease the problem. If every night after work turns into an argument, then evaluate the day. On your drive home are you then thinking about the fight? Are you preparing for war? Maybe this means you take the long way home to calm down. Maybe this means you change up your first at-home activity. Analyze your routine in hopes of cooling off the problem.
3. Create a dialogue about the issue to avoid being in a gridlock. Gridlock means the conversation has gotten to the point where you are pushing and pushing but nothing is happening. Gridlock typically means there are some underlying hidden agendas that need to be addressed to move on.
4. In a “forever fight” the goal should not be to “solve” the issue (because you can’t, right), but to focus on the impact it brings to each of you. An example of the impact might be focusing on how during the disagreement you tell yourself you aren’t good enough, or perhaps it makes you feel lonely, etc. Even in these moments, you want to feel understood and connected to your partner – not separate. Put a positive spin on a fight for a minute. The whole point of the fight is to be heard, so let’s make being heard the ideal outcome here.
- Yes, these moments are hard. It’s hard for everyone in a relationship to hear their partner is in pain. These negative emotions are important for your relationship. This is a point of connection that we shouldn’t miss – even when the pain is from something you are doing. Now, this goes two ways. First, you need to work on how to communicate the negative feelings to your partner in a way that they can hear it (and not be on the defense). Second, you need to have effective listening skills to be present for your partner. This takes effective communication skills for both people.
5. Humor is an effective tool. When you are heated in the moment, stress is extremely high. Your heart is pounding, your ability to process information decreases, and it is more challenging to stay present. In these moments, it is nearly impossible to be creative in trying to find a solution.
Try to take a break or use humor before you get to this point. Humor (not aimed to be hurtful) is an attempt by a partner to lighten the stress. Some people may see this as a way to not argue, but in reality, it’s a useful tool to help break the tension. Solvable or unsolvable fights will not be cured in a high-stress state, so when your partner tries to lighten the mood, take them up on it.
You’ve chosen a partner and the “forever fights” you are going to have. These “solutions” aren’t going to end the disagreement, but we can work to make them easier and come up less often. Remember, even happy and successful couples fight, too. So, what are you going to do to make these problems easier to handle?
Navigating the Waves of ‘Forever Fights’ in Marriage
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Continue to read part 2.
This journey is not just about understanding ‘Forever Fights’; it’s about transforming them into stepping stones for a stronger, more resilient marital bond. Let’s embark on this enlightening path together.