One way a relationship can end is the outcome of low marriage expectations. Here is some solid marriage advice from a couples counselor. So what happens?
Check out the image to the left. First, you expect less from your partner, which you react to by putting out less. By putting out less, your partner reacts by giving less. You then get less, so you expect less from your partner… The. Relationship. Death. Cycle…. This trap leads you to give up.
Has your relationship fallen into this death cycle? When you fight, does one or both of you often pull back? Are you bored of your life together? Do you often find you have little to give to your relationship? If you answered yes, this may be an area of opportunity for your relationship.
Side note: do you see my language there? An area of opportunity – yes! Just because you answered yes, doesn’t mean you’re doomed. How do you get your energy back for your relationship?
Come on now – I’m a solution-focused therapist, so let’s try some!
Solution 1: Promises
You have to find out what promises you have made – and then broke. When one person breaks promises, the other lowers their expectations. When both people break their promises to each other, they give up on the relationship.
Find out what promises you have broken, and start making changes to keep those promises. Essentially, you are “renewing your vows” (if you are in a committed relationship without marriage, basic vows have been agreed upon – even if they were unspoken).
You once proved to your partner that you can keep the promises you made to them. Same for them to you. That’s why you have low expectations – because you know they can keep those promises and fill that need!
Make real promises to your partner and keep them. Make sure you make a promise you are confident you can keep.
Now I’m sure some of you reading this will be frustrated with how I started the solutions – focusing on what you can do. I know. You may be pissed I started this way. I know you are over the fact that your partner isn’t stepping up. You want more and yet I’m asking you to give more? In some ways, I want to apologize for disappointing you, but then again, I’m confident it could help. I wouldn’t intentionally disappoint you if I didn’t think it would be worth it. That happens in therapy, too.
Yes, your partner can grow to meet more of your needs. At the same time, you are both in this relationship so it will take both of you to make positive changes. I’m asking you to give it a shot. If the relationship is worth it to you – give it another push and another try. Inspire your partner to change. Give them what you are asking for. Be an example of what you want. Show them what you want.
Prove it to them that you are still in it and want to have that passion back. You have that power within you because you are the one reading this tool. If you are reading this tool together – all the better. Both of you push.
How about starting with promises most couples discuss as important:
1. The promise to be honest with each other – to feel safe, intimate, open.
2. The promise to respect each other – to feel seen, wanted, and important.
3. The promise to maintain your passion – to have good sex, affection, and interest.
Hold yourself accountable by asking questions for needs, and then promise to keep them. Make promises you can keep. Sometimes needs change so make sure you keep up with the changes.
Is there something you are missing that would help them feel more connected to you? Discuss solutions logically and positively. KNOW deep down that they can meet this need, and your reassuring language will follow.
Solution 2: Put a positive twist on the cycle
One way to end this death cycle is to do the opposite cycle. So, take responsibility for your role in the trap. If you’re giving less to your partner, of course, they are going to respond to that energy. Hold yourself accountable to give more to your partner – change it so you have higher accountability for yourself and what you are giving your relationship.
Instead, if you’re putting in positive energy, that is what you will both get out of it. Instead, make the cycle:
So let’s say you have been giving more to your partner. Oftentimes, this is enough for you to see a change within your partner, too. The reason this cycle began in the first place is because a need of yours wasn’t getting met.
Is it getting met now? Once you have started making positive changes to the expectations of you and your partner, you can give positive encouragement for change towards another need. Support the changes because you know they can meet them.
They’re your partner after all – you chose them because they met your needs. They can do it again, just help them remember what makes you feel important. (For help on what makes your partner feel significant, consider reading the at-home tools post on love languages).
Solution 3: Go back to the basics: Dating 101
A solution to a lot of concerns clients have in therapy (and you’ll hear me talk about it a lot) is to do something new! When you first met each other and started dating, everything was new and exciting. You could connect often because each date was something new.
Maybe you went somewhere new or you learned something new about your partner. Is there a restaurant in town that neither of you has tried before? Is there a hiking trail you haven’t explored? Can you get a babysitter and go down to the city for a night out and stay at a hotel? Go back to dating 101 – google fun shit to do in town and do it. Go back to wanting to make them feel important, so put some effort into your date!
When you first started dating, you were interested in your partner and what made them different. It was the same for them as well. Now that you have been together for a while, the mystery is gone. You ask less questions about their day because you know how their “typical” day goes. You don’t ask them about what food they like or their favorite color, because you know the answer.
This can be solved by talking about new things: Maybe try learning something new, share a cool new story from the news, talk about your partner’s favorite thing, or discuss something you are looking forward to.
Also, try to be more interested in your partner’s interests: learn something new about their hobby, try to get engaged in their interests, or buy them something that fits into their goals. In short, be more interested! Let them know you hear them and they can give you that same energy back.
So you’re stuck in a low marriage expectations cycle? Which solution do you think will work best for you? While these are different solutions, it doesn’t mean you can’t try them simultaneously!
I’d love the feedback and your input so shoot me a message and let me know what you’ve learned. Maybe your information will be able to help another couple!
Navigating Through the Cycle of Low Marriage Expectations
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