How do you talk about sex? Couples often bring up differences in their sexual preferences and sometimes this is often a point of conflict for them. Whether this conversation is about a specific position or the frequency of sex, it can be challenging to discuss. You want to get your point across and also be mindful of your partner’s experience. How do you compromise when your thoughts completely differ from your partner?
Two People Will Inevitably Disagree – As Any Two Different People Would!
The first takeaway from this article is to focus on your two unique desires. You are different from your partner. On one hand, these differences can be a way for you to experience a new point of view of our world. On the other hand, these differences can be a point of disconnection, irritating, or become a major conflict. While some people acknowledge the different opinions more easily when it comes to what food they like to eat or their routines, not all people tend to carry this view into sexual preferences.
“Compromise”
Compromise does not always mean the resolution lies somewhere in the middle (or 50%) of both partners. Sometimes the “compromise” lies around 80% for one specific point and other times it may feel like it is at 30%. A “compromise” lies somewhere on the scale and varies for each specific point of tension.
I have put “compromise” in quotes for that reason. Not always, but sometimes when couples come in, the word “compromise” is used as a way to meet in the middle. Do we have to “compromise” so we both end up happy? Sometimes that is doable and other times it does not work that way.
I do not have a calculation for what that compromise means because it will differ between every couple and also every situation. The point here is to remember: conflict happens because we want to feel more connected, validated, or understood – and that does not change when you are talking about sex.
Also, remember that only 30% of arguments are actually solvable – are your sexual preferences in that 30%? Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.
Test The Waters First – Important First Step
To follow along with this tool, I challenge you to first test the waters a bit. If you have not talked about your sexual preferences before, then try easing into the conversation before diving into the deep end.
Important first steps to consider:
- Have you never talked about sexual preferences? Instead of bringing in new topics here, test the waters by discussing your current likes. What happens during sex that you enjoy? What does your partner enjoy? By starting to talk about your likes, it puts a positive spin on the conversation. Talking about your likes tends to be easier than talking about your dislikes. Continue talking about this before moving on – perhaps a month or so (depending on you and your partner’s specific situation).
- Do you sometimes talk about your sexual preferences? If the conversation happens more often, consider going into the conversation a bit further. Continue talking about your likes and add in more of your dislikes. Again, this makes the conversation a bit easier to talk about. Make sure you focus more on the positives than on the negatives to keep the conversation lighter.
- Do you often talk about your sexual preferences? Here you can start adding in more of those topics that you have been wanting to talk about. Perhaps it is more detail about your likes or dislikes. Perhaps it is about a new preference you want to share with them.
The idea here is to set you both up for success. Feel out the conversation a bit and do not rush it. Have fun with the journey discussing these preferences.
Example: Understanding The Tool
For this example, I am going to be talking about food preferences. I know it sounds silly talking about food preferences when you are here to talk about sexual preferences; however, when you think about preferences differently, it can help ease into the conversation a bit.
As you look at the venn diagram here, you will see the sections labeled A, B, and C.
A: You both love to eat steak. If you have a preferred go-to dinner date out, then it is almost always a steak house!
B: One partner loves to have eggs and bacon for breakfast. The other partner loves to have waffles for breakfast. The first partner doesn’t mind waffles and enjoys them from time to time; however, they prefer eggs and bacon. Same for the other partner: while they love waffles, eggs and bacon isn’t bad ever so often.
C: One partner loves seafood and the other cannot stand it. At the same time, that partner loves broccoli and the other partner does not care for it. They both like these things, at the same time they know their partner does not like it and they avoid cooking it at meals.
Tool: Sexual Preferences
Use this tool with the guidance principles in place as stated above (testing the waters). It is there in hopes of helping you succeed!
How To Use This Tool:
- You will need two sheets of paper, two pens, and the image to the right. The two sheets of paper can be a half of a page or scrap paper. You can also use a third piece of paper to draw out your own venn diagram.
- Each partner will start with their own piece of paper and write down their own individual sexual preferences. Write down your preferences following the guidelines stated in “testing the waters” section above.
- You will now share each of your preferences with your partner and discuss whether you both like it, one partner likes it it more than the other, or if they do not care for it.
- Following that conversation, place that preference in the associated column.
- Conclusion.
- Column A now becomes your go-to, just like that delicious steak dinner. You both love having steak, so why not pick something you both really enjoy!
- Column B now becomes your sometimes, just like at breakfast time. One partner loves eggs & bacon and can also enjoy waffles sometimes. This list now becomes your sexual preferences to use when you want to change things up a bit.
- Column C now becomes the very rare or never items. If one partner really doesn’t like seafood, then do not focus on eating seafood. Instead, I challenge you to focus on that steak dinner. Whether this list becomes the very rare or never will depend on your unique situation. If this becomes challenging to discuss, then I suggest you to focus on A and B more often and come back to this conversation in the future. Perhaps this just needs more exploration to determine.
Sex with your partner is for pleasure and also connection. If you find yourself focused on column C, I challenge you to explore your connection first and then come back to exploring that desire second.
This exercise is used as an exploration tool to better understand your partner’s preferences. I hope you all enjoy that steak dinner date! Also, sometimes preferences change so continue exploring this diagram if you start to notice you or your partner doesn’t want steak as often.
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