Everyone accomplishes goals in their unique way. At the same time, people often struggle to accomplish some goals even when they are solid in other areas, but why? If you kick ass in achieving goals tied to fitness but then struggle to accomplish goals in your relationship, I may have a solution for you to try.
We Are Machines Full Of Gears
I believe change happens when we can focus on modifying one or two “gears” in our lives. I believe we as humans are one system that consists of different moving pieces. These gears fall into one of three categories: our behaviors, thoughts, or emotions. If we can adapt one “gear” within us, then that changes the entire “system”. I know this sounds a bit in the clouds, so let me show you what I mean.
If you are feeling depressed lately, then you can change this emotion by focusing on your strengths. You do not have to change the emotion by only addressing your emotions.
The Triangle Of Change
I like to categorize our traits into three main characteristics: behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. When you picture each characteristic as one end of a triangle, the triangle will look different depending on our strengths and areas of opportunity. When we change one end of the triangle, we then change the shape of the entire triangle. One “gear” changes, and the entire “machine” (the triangle) changes, too.
Triangle Example:
Let’s pretend this top triangle is where you are now.
Goal: To experience more joy.
Behaviors: You kick ass in setting and sticking to a routine. You wake up every morning at 5 am, go to the gym, take a shower, and eat a balanced breakfast, all before you start your work day. You see the benefits of this routine. You understand that focusing on the right actions means you will accomplish your goal.
Thoughts: At the same time, you have some self-talk that tends to be negative. You may often tell yourself that you “aren’t good enough” or that “your hard work isn’t paying off”. Perhaps these thoughts are generalized as “I’m tired” or “I can’t do this”. Your thoughts are reactive to the other pieces of your life.
Emotions: Even when you are working hard, you may feel sadness, anger, pride, happiness, or nothing at all. Again, your emotions feel like a reactive piece to how well or how poorly your day is going.
Example Solution:
As your pretend therapist in this example, I would recommend we focus on your behaviors.
But wait, the goal is to experience more joy. What gives?
If behaviors are your strength, then let’s continue to use them to our advantage to start. By focusing on your behaviors, we are changing the triangle; therefore, changing your emotions.
If we can expand on your routine that continues to build on your morning routine, then we can likely change those negative thoughts and/or emotions you are feeling.
The triangle looks different and yet the thoughts and emotions are still there. Of course they are, they are a part of the system. It’s about using your strong trait to lift the other attributes.
When The Goal & Attribute Align
Let’s continue with this same triangle example. Let’s say your goal is to lift more weight in the gym. This goal is tied to your strength of changing your behaviors. Continue to focus on your behaviors to accomplish this goal. In short, whether your goal is to change a behavior, your thoughts, or an emotion, use your strongest attribute!
Do It Yourself
How can you use this technique on your own?
Which part of the triangle do you think is your strength? I say, you start here! Remember the example – experiencing more joy by focusing on behaviors.
If you have focused on your strength for a while and want to see more progress, I would then recommend an emphasis on your second strongest attribute.
- If you are a client and would like clarification on this point, then bring it up in our next session!
It is unlikely that all three sides of the triangle would be strengths for you, so it is about using the other one (or maybe two) to pull that trait up!
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