Is your partner stuck on that one thing and just can’t seem to get over it? If so, I am guessing you try to focus on other aspects of their life to inspire them to see the positive side. Sure, a co-worker sucks, but what about your family, friends, fun vacation, health, how far you’ve come, or your career? You have so much to be happy about and yet they still focus on the crap. If this sounds similar, then I have a solution for you to try.
Two Briefcases Analogy
To best understand this technique, I want you to start by focusing on an analogy. Every day, every single one of us is walking around with two briefcases: one positive briefcase and one negative briefcase. The weight of each briefcase will vary depending on the impact of different factors: work, family, stress, sleep, diet, coping, self-care, trauma, finances, etc. When one briefcase weighs more than the other our focus then goes to that briefcase in order to continue holding it up.
When your partner is focused on one briefcase over another, you will see them be impacted by its contents. Specifically, you will see this by how much or how little they talk about that briefcase.
Help Carry The Weight Of The Negative Briefcase
Your Role In Your Partner’s Briefcase
When your partner is focused on the negatives and you want to lift their spirits, you likely tend to focus on the positive briefcase. When you focus on the positive briefcase, you are helping to lift the weight of that briefcase, making it easier to manage. When the positive briefcase feels lighter, what happens to the negative briefcase?
The negative briefcase becomes heavier.
Therefore, when the negative briefcase already feels heavy to your partner, you want to help carry that negative weight. By acknowledging the negative aspects of your partner’s life, you are making the negative briefcase easier to manage.
How To Manage The Negative Briefcase
To help carry the weight of the negative briefcase, you have to explore its contents. You can understand their negative thoughts and feelings to get a better grasp of what is going on. Consider the following exploratory statements to discern your partner’s negative experiences.
- “Tell me more about that”
- “And then what happened”
- “How are you managing everything”
- “M-hmm”
- “What else did you do”
Do Not Focus On Solving The Problem
When you focus on solving the problem, you are going back towards the positive briefcase. Trust that your partner can come up with a solution in time. Right now – they need the focus on the negative briefcase. Just explore that situation without trying to get them past it. The longer you hold onto the negative briefcase, the better it will be for your partner.
When To Go Back Focusing On The Positive
To be clear, it’s not that you can’t spend time acknowledging the positive attributes of your partner’s life – in fact, you want to explore that briefcase, too. Just remember, the goal here is to help your partner get to the positive themselves – not for you to focus on the positives. Help your partner to carry that negative weight in order for them to spend more time on the positive aspects of their life.
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