Choosing a therapist can be a daunting task, but with the right information, it’s within your reach.
One of the main questions I get when people ask me about my occupation is how to find a therapist. When you want a great fit, sometimes a “counseling near me” search may not be enough. There are many options, so how do you choose? First, I’ll cover choosing a therapist – regardless of the type of therapy services you are seeking. Second, I’ll discuss additional points more specific to couples therapy.
Main points to consider when choosing a therapist:
1. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE. This is always my first point when discussing therapy with people. Just because you go to their office, or just because you were referred to them, or just because you have been under their services for months, does not mean you have to choose them. Just like any service you may be searching for, you have the power to do some research. You should always be respected by your therapist. At any point in therapy, you can say “Sayonara!” and find a new one.
2. RESEARCH. In combination with the first point, I highly recommend asking a lot of questions. Questions during the consultation phase (or even throughout your therapy), can help you better understand them, their views, and how this fits into your views. Some questions to consider:
a. “What will a typical session look like?” – Do they have weekly sessions? Are they open on the weekend or after you get off work? Do you spend a lot of time focusing on reflection or application of new skills? Do they assign homework for you to do outside of your sessions? All therapists are different and will have varying answers to these questions. It is important to look at the therapeutic relationship from a practical standpoint to know how it fits into your already busy lives. For example, some clients at the Workshop appreciate appointment times available until 8 pm instead of planning to go to therapy over a lunch break.
b. “Have you had previous clients that were in a similar situation as me? If so, what was their outcome?” – To answer this question you could also look for therapists who specialize in your specific situation. For example, if someone calls me at the Workshop for individual therapy, I am not the right therapist for them. I specialize in marriage counseling. Maybe that person could then find a therapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, or trauma (if that is their area of concern). Looking for a referral? Shoot me a message or give me a call and I can send you a name or two of a potential therapist.
Additional Note: let’s say you take this referral – still go through these questions! You still have the power and a referral is just a referral!
c. Ask questions about their informed consent or other documentation. These documents are regulated by the state in which they are practicing and often discuss their credentials, theories of therapy, confidentiality (and limits of confidentiality), etc. Is there a point in the informed consent that is confusing to you?
3. THEORIES. Even if you know nothing about therapy, asking about their theories can help you gather important information. Theories are a therapist’s chosen methodology for making change with a client. Theories should be evidenced-based: meaning, these theories have been developed through research (i.e. not the online quiz bullshit).
a. First, does this theory seem to be exciting for you or do you think it fits into your views of change? For example, The Couples Workshop focuses primarily on Gottman and solution-focused theories. Gottman is a specific couples therapy theory and has a set of assessments and tools that are utilized to specifically identify areas of strength and areas of concern. The solution-focused theory is more self-explanatory. It tends to be more short-term therapy than other theories because its concentration is on how you can move forward from your current areas of distress by utilizing your strengths and adding new tools. These theories have both been developed through research.
b. Second, you can see how the therapist reacts to your questions – Are they thrown off? How do they communicate their vision? This point is more about how they answer the question over the actual answer.
Additional points to consider for a couples therapist:
1. START FRESH. If you are seeing a therapist for another area of concern and want to get additional services for couples therapy, go to a new therapist. You already have a relationship developed with that therapist, and your partner does not. I do not recommend staying with that same therapist. It will make for a challenging dynamic between you, your partner, and the therapist. Keep that relationship since it is going well for you, and together find a new therapist. In addition to the weird dynamic, therapists do not specialize in couples therapy if they are specialized in individual therapy. You owe it to your relationship to start fresh.
2. SPECIALIZATION. In addition to the points made above, there is a real opportunity to get through therapy at a faster pace if the therapist knows exactly where to go when you bring up certain concerns. Couples therapists differ from individual therapists in that they have training in growing the relationship, not solely in one person. Your relationship deserves the best, so give it the best.
3. THE CLIENT. In couples therapy, your relationship is the “client”. Yes, each of you has to make changes in order to have success; however, the ultimate goal of a couples therapist is to increase the wellness of your relationship. That being said, your therapist should use that same language and have the same goal.
When I was younger, I went to a therapist. She had a license, was friendly, educated, professional – and a terrible fit for me. Do I think she was a bad therapist? Not necessarily. What I do know is that she was a bad therapist for me. She may have helped other people, but for me, I went into each session knowing she would focus on the shit I thought was unnecessary. At that time, I was not a therapist – If I was, I would tell myself to keep shopping.
Don’t give up on therapy because of a poor fit. Stand up for what you know you need out of therapy for the benefit of your relationship.
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